The Holidays this past year were pretty rough! I had no idea how difficult they would be until Thanksgiving morning. On Halloween I was a little down because I had specifically asked off of work thinking I would have a little one home with me, but Halloweeen was nothing compared to Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving was nothing compared to Christmas!
We spent Thanksgiving with Josh's family which was nice! I started off the morning cooking and crying in my kitchen, when Josh asked what was wrong and when I couldn't form the words he knew immediately what it was. I was missing sweet Caroline like crazy! We spent that evening with Josh's parents and grandma eating yummy food. It was a low key thanksgiving, which is just what I needed (usually the holidays with the Toebbe's are CRAZY!!). I was definitley not in the mood to be around a lot of people.
As Christmas got closer and closer my mood got worse and worse! I didn't want to be around anything that reminded me of Christmas! I tried decorating the house, makingJosh bring up the Christmas tree from the basement and set it up, just to make him take it back down and put in back in the basement...decorating didn't happen! Luckily, this year I worked on Christmas Eve night. I never thought I'd ever be excited to work on Christmas Eve but a bunch of us wore ugly Christmas sweaters and we ate lots of yummy food. Taking care of the sickies in the ICU ended up being a wonderful distraction! Christmas morning we drove to my parents house and spent 4 days there. Being with my husband, my parents, and my brother and sister was just what I needed!! Christmas day ended up being really nice and spending time with my family lifted me spirits.
The holiday season was a fresh reminder that we didn't have Caroline...that we weren't parents. It was a dark time in my walk with Christ. There was a lot of anger and bitterness built up in my heart that I spent the majority of January working through. Luckily I had wonderful friends and family praying for me, encouraging me, and helping me through this time!
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