January was a much better month for us! The second weekend in January we were told of a baby girl born in Ohio who was going through withdraws in the NICU. The birthmom had chosen us and we were just waiting for her to sign papers. Unfortunately the birthmom never showed up to sign, she cut off all communication with the adoption agency, and we moved on from this match. The good this about this match is we knew about it for very little time (our agency had to tell us about it because they had to make sure we were okay to adopt a baby born addicted), another good thing is we didn't travel to meet the baby, we also knew how unpredictable adoption could be so we didn't get our hopes up! I didn't tell many people about this baby, but luckily my best friend, who lives an ocean away was in the states with her husband for the holidays and I was able to tell her. I got to spend a WONDERFUL day with both Natalie and Sarah (my oldest and best friends) in Bowling Green on January 11th and we spent time in prayer for each other. What a blessing!
I also spent time getting ready to have surgery. I was scheduled to have my gallbladder removed and have an infertility specialist remove some endometriosis on January 24th. Apparently they are running a special on gallbladder removals because a ton of people I know have recently gotten theirs removed or are getting theirs removed soon! This brings me up to January 20th a Crazy day that gets it's own post! :)
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Holidays...
The Holidays this past year were pretty rough! I had no idea how difficult they would be until Thanksgiving morning. On Halloween I was a little down because I had specifically asked off of work thinking I would have a little one home with me, but Halloweeen was nothing compared to Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving was nothing compared to Christmas!
We spent Thanksgiving with Josh's family which was nice! I started off the morning cooking and crying in my kitchen, when Josh asked what was wrong and when I couldn't form the words he knew immediately what it was. I was missing sweet Caroline like crazy! We spent that evening with Josh's parents and grandma eating yummy food. It was a low key thanksgiving, which is just what I needed (usually the holidays with the Toebbe's are CRAZY!!). I was definitley not in the mood to be around a lot of people.
As Christmas got closer and closer my mood got worse and worse! I didn't want to be around anything that reminded me of Christmas! I tried decorating the house, makingJosh bring up the Christmas tree from the basement and set it up, just to make him take it back down and put in back in the basement...decorating didn't happen! Luckily, this year I worked on Christmas Eve night. I never thought I'd ever be excited to work on Christmas Eve but a bunch of us wore ugly Christmas sweaters and we ate lots of yummy food. Taking care of the sickies in the ICU ended up being a wonderful distraction! Christmas morning we drove to my parents house and spent 4 days there. Being with my husband, my parents, and my brother and sister was just what I needed!! Christmas day ended up being really nice and spending time with my family lifted me spirits.
The holiday season was a fresh reminder that we didn't have Caroline...that we weren't parents. It was a dark time in my walk with Christ. There was a lot of anger and bitterness built up in my heart that I spent the majority of January working through. Luckily I had wonderful friends and family praying for me, encouraging me, and helping me through this time!
We spent Thanksgiving with Josh's family which was nice! I started off the morning cooking and crying in my kitchen, when Josh asked what was wrong and when I couldn't form the words he knew immediately what it was. I was missing sweet Caroline like crazy! We spent that evening with Josh's parents and grandma eating yummy food. It was a low key thanksgiving, which is just what I needed (usually the holidays with the Toebbe's are CRAZY!!). I was definitley not in the mood to be around a lot of people.
As Christmas got closer and closer my mood got worse and worse! I didn't want to be around anything that reminded me of Christmas! I tried decorating the house, makingJosh bring up the Christmas tree from the basement and set it up, just to make him take it back down and put in back in the basement...decorating didn't happen! Luckily, this year I worked on Christmas Eve night. I never thought I'd ever be excited to work on Christmas Eve but a bunch of us wore ugly Christmas sweaters and we ate lots of yummy food. Taking care of the sickies in the ICU ended up being a wonderful distraction! Christmas morning we drove to my parents house and spent 4 days there. Being with my husband, my parents, and my brother and sister was just what I needed!! Christmas day ended up being really nice and spending time with my family lifted me spirits.
The holiday season was a fresh reminder that we didn't have Caroline...that we weren't parents. It was a dark time in my walk with Christ. There was a lot of anger and bitterness built up in my heart that I spent the majority of January working through. Luckily I had wonderful friends and family praying for me, encouraging me, and helping me through this time!
Catching Up!!
A LOT has happened since I last posted 6 months ago! I'm going to post from the Holidays on and hopefully get everyone caught up on our CRAZY adoption journey!
Monday, September 19, 2011
A Down Day
It's a dreary, stay in bed kind of day. I'm thinking about all my pregnant friends, which is quite the growing number and also SUPER exciting, but it is a constant reminder that Josh and I don't have children. I've been praying all day for joy and contentment in Christ. I guess that's the good part about down days...they bring me back to the Lord.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Third Times The Charm...Right??
Yesterday we told our agency we were ready to be matched a third time. I am praying that when we are matched a third time we will be matched with the child that we are suppose to raise in our home. We are trusting God with our family and praising Him no matter what the outcome.
Our Second Disrupted Adoption
We got the call in the middle of August that we had been chosen by a birthmom due in November...then 10 minutes later we were called back and asked if a birthmom who was due in 2 weeks chose us would we want to go forward with that adoption? I didn't know what to say, so I looked to Josh, and he said "yes".
We began to prepare for this second adoption and I began to have incredible anxiety. I was begging God to stop this adoption in its tracks if this baby was not suppose to be in our home. I began praying continuously and if I wasn't praying I was listening to Praise and Worship music. In the first week after we learned of this adoption God convicted me. Through my anxiety he showed me that I had made having children an idol in my life. I had wrapped my thoughts and actions around having children for the last 2 years and it had taken my attention away from God.
In the middle of my living room with my swiffer duster in hand and praise and worship blaring from the computer I started praying. I admitted to myself and God that I had made children an idol in my life and through tears I told God that if this adoption disrupted HE was still good, HIS plan was still perfect, and I would trust HIM. I told him that if Josh and I never had children HE was still good, HIS plan was still perfect, and I would trust HIM.
We got the call that our birthmom was in labor and made our way to her city. We spent an hour and a half with a beautiful baby boy, but managed to not become attached (God was protecting our hearts). The next day we were told that the birthmom had changed her mind. With tears in my eyes I hung up the phone and first told God that HE was still good and HIS plan was still perfect, then I told Josh we needed to read a Psalm. I randomly opened my Bible and the first chapter I turned to was Psalm 113. The last verse, Psalm 113:9, says...
What an incredible God we serve that He brings comfort through his word in a time that I needed it most. I can say that the healing process for this disrupted adoption has been much different then for the first. I am trusting God's perfect plan for my life and relying on him for my joy. I can truly say that without both disrupted adoptions I would not have placed God before children in my life. I am grateful I can say to God "If you never bless us with children, you are still good and your plan is still perfect."
We began to prepare for this second adoption and I began to have incredible anxiety. I was begging God to stop this adoption in its tracks if this baby was not suppose to be in our home. I began praying continuously and if I wasn't praying I was listening to Praise and Worship music. In the first week after we learned of this adoption God convicted me. Through my anxiety he showed me that I had made having children an idol in my life. I had wrapped my thoughts and actions around having children for the last 2 years and it had taken my attention away from God.
In the middle of my living room with my swiffer duster in hand and praise and worship blaring from the computer I started praying. I admitted to myself and God that I had made children an idol in my life and through tears I told God that if this adoption disrupted HE was still good, HIS plan was still perfect, and I would trust HIM. I told him that if Josh and I never had children HE was still good, HIS plan was still perfect, and I would trust HIM.
We got the call that our birthmom was in labor and made our way to her city. We spent an hour and a half with a beautiful baby boy, but managed to not become attached (God was protecting our hearts). The next day we were told that the birthmom had changed her mind. With tears in my eyes I hung up the phone and first told God that HE was still good and HIS plan was still perfect, then I told Josh we needed to read a Psalm. I randomly opened my Bible and the first chapter I turned to was Psalm 113. The last verse, Psalm 113:9, says...
"He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children
Praise the LORD!"
What an incredible God we serve that He brings comfort through his word in a time that I needed it most. I can say that the healing process for this disrupted adoption has been much different then for the first. I am trusting God's perfect plan for my life and relying on him for my joy. I can truly say that without both disrupted adoptions I would not have placed God before children in my life. I am grateful I can say to God "If you never bless us with children, you are still good and your plan is still perfect."
Healing...
Have y'all found that when life doesn't go our way we want to throw ourselves on the floor and kick and scream just like a toddler does? Well that's essentially what I did for the first month we were home. I went to church, but I would grind my teeth and sob in anger the entire service. I did not want to read my Bible (luckily, I had written verses on notecards and placed them all over my house or I would not have been reading scripture in that first month home), I did not want to hear that God had a plan, I wanted my baby girl home with me and I let God know that every single day.
The good days slowly began to occur closer together, but when the bad days came it felt like I was being punched in the stomach. As the first month passed I was getting anxious and wanted to be matched with another baby. I thought having a baby in my home would be what would take the pain away. I was not relying on God to be my greatest comfort.
At the end of the second month we got the call from our adoption agency that they were showing our profile book to multiple birthmoms. God was about to use our first disrupted adoption to bring me much closer to him...
The good days slowly began to occur closer together, but when the bad days came it felt like I was being punched in the stomach. As the first month passed I was getting anxious and wanted to be matched with another baby. I thought having a baby in my home would be what would take the pain away. I was not relying on God to be my greatest comfort.
At the end of the second month we got the call from our adoption agency that they were showing our profile book to multiple birthmoms. God was about to use our first disrupted adoption to bring me much closer to him...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)