Monday, September 19, 2011
A Down Day
It's a dreary, stay in bed kind of day. I'm thinking about all my pregnant friends, which is quite the growing number and also SUPER exciting, but it is a constant reminder that Josh and I don't have children. I've been praying all day for joy and contentment in Christ. I guess that's the good part about down days...they bring me back to the Lord.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Third Times The Charm...Right??
Yesterday we told our agency we were ready to be matched a third time. I am praying that when we are matched a third time we will be matched with the child that we are suppose to raise in our home. We are trusting God with our family and praising Him no matter what the outcome.
Our Second Disrupted Adoption
We got the call in the middle of August that we had been chosen by a birthmom due in November...then 10 minutes later we were called back and asked if a birthmom who was due in 2 weeks chose us would we want to go forward with that adoption? I didn't know what to say, so I looked to Josh, and he said "yes".
We began to prepare for this second adoption and I began to have incredible anxiety. I was begging God to stop this adoption in its tracks if this baby was not suppose to be in our home. I began praying continuously and if I wasn't praying I was listening to Praise and Worship music. In the first week after we learned of this adoption God convicted me. Through my anxiety he showed me that I had made having children an idol in my life. I had wrapped my thoughts and actions around having children for the last 2 years and it had taken my attention away from God.
In the middle of my living room with my swiffer duster in hand and praise and worship blaring from the computer I started praying. I admitted to myself and God that I had made children an idol in my life and through tears I told God that if this adoption disrupted HE was still good, HIS plan was still perfect, and I would trust HIM. I told him that if Josh and I never had children HE was still good, HIS plan was still perfect, and I would trust HIM.
We got the call that our birthmom was in labor and made our way to her city. We spent an hour and a half with a beautiful baby boy, but managed to not become attached (God was protecting our hearts). The next day we were told that the birthmom had changed her mind. With tears in my eyes I hung up the phone and first told God that HE was still good and HIS plan was still perfect, then I told Josh we needed to read a Psalm. I randomly opened my Bible and the first chapter I turned to was Psalm 113. The last verse, Psalm 113:9, says...
What an incredible God we serve that He brings comfort through his word in a time that I needed it most. I can say that the healing process for this disrupted adoption has been much different then for the first. I am trusting God's perfect plan for my life and relying on him for my joy. I can truly say that without both disrupted adoptions I would not have placed God before children in my life. I am grateful I can say to God "If you never bless us with children, you are still good and your plan is still perfect."
We began to prepare for this second adoption and I began to have incredible anxiety. I was begging God to stop this adoption in its tracks if this baby was not suppose to be in our home. I began praying continuously and if I wasn't praying I was listening to Praise and Worship music. In the first week after we learned of this adoption God convicted me. Through my anxiety he showed me that I had made having children an idol in my life. I had wrapped my thoughts and actions around having children for the last 2 years and it had taken my attention away from God.
In the middle of my living room with my swiffer duster in hand and praise and worship blaring from the computer I started praying. I admitted to myself and God that I had made children an idol in my life and through tears I told God that if this adoption disrupted HE was still good, HIS plan was still perfect, and I would trust HIM. I told him that if Josh and I never had children HE was still good, HIS plan was still perfect, and I would trust HIM.
We got the call that our birthmom was in labor and made our way to her city. We spent an hour and a half with a beautiful baby boy, but managed to not become attached (God was protecting our hearts). The next day we were told that the birthmom had changed her mind. With tears in my eyes I hung up the phone and first told God that HE was still good and HIS plan was still perfect, then I told Josh we needed to read a Psalm. I randomly opened my Bible and the first chapter I turned to was Psalm 113. The last verse, Psalm 113:9, says...
"He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children
Praise the LORD!"
What an incredible God we serve that He brings comfort through his word in a time that I needed it most. I can say that the healing process for this disrupted adoption has been much different then for the first. I am trusting God's perfect plan for my life and relying on him for my joy. I can truly say that without both disrupted adoptions I would not have placed God before children in my life. I am grateful I can say to God "If you never bless us with children, you are still good and your plan is still perfect."
Healing...
Have y'all found that when life doesn't go our way we want to throw ourselves on the floor and kick and scream just like a toddler does? Well that's essentially what I did for the first month we were home. I went to church, but I would grind my teeth and sob in anger the entire service. I did not want to read my Bible (luckily, I had written verses on notecards and placed them all over my house or I would not have been reading scripture in that first month home), I did not want to hear that God had a plan, I wanted my baby girl home with me and I let God know that every single day.
The good days slowly began to occur closer together, but when the bad days came it felt like I was being punched in the stomach. As the first month passed I was getting anxious and wanted to be matched with another baby. I thought having a baby in my home would be what would take the pain away. I was not relying on God to be my greatest comfort.
At the end of the second month we got the call from our adoption agency that they were showing our profile book to multiple birthmoms. God was about to use our first disrupted adoption to bring me much closer to him...
The good days slowly began to occur closer together, but when the bad days came it felt like I was being punched in the stomach. As the first month passed I was getting anxious and wanted to be matched with another baby. I thought having a baby in my home would be what would take the pain away. I was not relying on God to be my greatest comfort.
At the end of the second month we got the call from our adoption agency that they were showing our profile book to multiple birthmoms. God was about to use our first disrupted adoption to bring me much closer to him...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Coming Home Without a Baby...
My amazing husband drove the whole 10 hours home so that I could sleep. We managed to fit everything baby related in the trunk of our car so that we didn't have to see any of it. I didn't want to think about what had just happened.
We came home to a clean house, a stocked fridge, and meals in our freezer provided by our incredible church family. They knew we needed to take time to heal and we wouldn't want to go to the grocery or worry about cooking.
We put all things baby related in the nursery and shut the door. For the next few weeks I migrated from the couch to the bed and back again in a haze. Friends invited us over and we would go, and I would begin sobbing the minute a friend hugged me. While I shut down, Josh began working a projects all over the house. He didn't slow down at all, in fact...he sped up. (We both deal with grief differently!!)
Walking into church our first sunday back was incredibly hard. Inevitably there were people who hadn't heard what happened and we were excitedly asked "when do you get your baby?" We sat in our ABF where a sweet couple had just had their second child. Seeing the carseat completely overwhelmed me and I had to leave the room.
We were devastated.
We came home to a clean house, a stocked fridge, and meals in our freezer provided by our incredible church family. They knew we needed to take time to heal and we wouldn't want to go to the grocery or worry about cooking.
We put all things baby related in the nursery and shut the door. For the next few weeks I migrated from the couch to the bed and back again in a haze. Friends invited us over and we would go, and I would begin sobbing the minute a friend hugged me. While I shut down, Josh began working a projects all over the house. He didn't slow down at all, in fact...he sped up. (We both deal with grief differently!!)
Walking into church our first sunday back was incredibly hard. Inevitably there were people who hadn't heard what happened and we were excitedly asked "when do you get your baby?" We sat in our ABF where a sweet couple had just had their second child. Seeing the carseat completely overwhelmed me and I had to leave the room.
We were devastated.
Our First Born Child...
We were matched by our agency with a birthmom very quickly! We got the call in the middle of March that we had been matched with a birthmom who was having a baby girl and who was due in June! We were exstatic!! We imediately said we would accept this referral. We announced our match to all of our friends, family, and co-workers. People started offering to throw us baby showers and we began preparing for the birth of our daughter. We had 3 baby showers and got the nursery decorated within a month. I had spoken to our birthmother on the phone and we texted back and forth atleast every-other-day. The last thing on my mind was a disrruption.
In the middle of the night, on June 10th, we got the text that our daughter had arrived. We threw everything in the car and began our 10 hour journey to the hospital our birthmom had delivered in. We met our Caroline Anne on June 11th and she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Josh and I were completely smitten with her. We left the hospital with her on June 12th and went back to our hotel. My parents and brother and Josh's mom were all there to meet the newest addition to the family. We spend the next few days cuddling, feeding, and loving our sweet Caroline.
The morning of June 15th Josh took Caroline and his mom to breakfast and let me sleep since I had been up most of the night with the baby. My phone rang at 8:30 am and it was the director of our adoption agency. She asked me if I had talked to our birthmom and I said we had been texted back and forth. The she said the phrase I never expected to hear. "She has changed her mind." My world stopped in that minute. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I did not understand what was happening.
We were able to spend the majority of that day holding and praying for our sweet baby girl. At 4:30 that afternoon we took her to the lawyers office and handed her back to her birthmother. I have never cried so hard in my life. I could not understand why this was happening to us, why we were having to give our baby girl up. The only thing I could say to Josh, in between sobs was, God has a plan.
In the middle of the night, on June 10th, we got the text that our daughter had arrived. We threw everything in the car and began our 10 hour journey to the hospital our birthmom had delivered in. We met our Caroline Anne on June 11th and she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Josh and I were completely smitten with her. We left the hospital with her on June 12th and went back to our hotel. My parents and brother and Josh's mom were all there to meet the newest addition to the family. We spend the next few days cuddling, feeding, and loving our sweet Caroline.
The morning of June 15th Josh took Caroline and his mom to breakfast and let me sleep since I had been up most of the night with the baby. My phone rang at 8:30 am and it was the director of our adoption agency. She asked me if I had talked to our birthmom and I said we had been texted back and forth. The she said the phrase I never expected to hear. "She has changed her mind." My world stopped in that minute. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I did not understand what was happening.
We were able to spend the majority of that day holding and praying for our sweet baby girl. At 4:30 that afternoon we took her to the lawyers office and handed her back to her birthmother. I have never cried so hard in my life. I could not understand why this was happening to us, why we were having to give our baby girl up. The only thing I could say to Josh, in between sobs was, God has a plan.
Our Adoption Agency
Once our homestudy was complete we got started working with our adoption agency. We did the interview, filled out all the necessary paperwork, and began working on our profile book. We began working with our agency in February and started being presented to birthmoms in March 2011. We were really moving and the process with the agency was flowing smoothly!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The beginning of the story...the homestudy
Our adoption journey began in June of 2010. We tried to get pregnant for 7 months before my endometriosis forced me to go back on birth control. Josh and I discussed adoption before we got married and knew this was a road we would eventually be on. In June 2010 I contacted a homestudy agency recommended to us by our church and we began gathering paperwork. I was so excited to get all of our paperwork together...which took A LOT of time. In the process of gathering paperwork Josh lost his job as an engineer and we decided to put the adoption on hold until we knew what Josh was going to do. It was quite the process but Josh decided to leave the engineering field and begin working towards his masters in education so that he could teach high school physics. Once this was decided we began our journey again in September of 2010. At this point we were still gathering paperwork from doctors offices, banks, and the government.(unfortunately you can not force doctors offices and the government to work on your time frame!) In November 2010 we had our very first homestudy meeting! I felt like we were finally on the road to being parents!! We had our second homestudy meeting in January 2011 and officially had a finalized homestudy in February 2011! I anticipated smoothe sailing from that point forward....
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